Rick and I have been through some hard times lately. Parkinson’s is a merciless disease and continues to march on. Contracting Aseptic Meningitis in 2019 only exacerbated his challenges. Living with pain isn’t for the faint-hearted. He never complains, though he mentions how much he misses his car and the independence that came with having one.
My prayer has been that I would remain strong and healthy as long as he needs me. Being a caregiver has its physical, emotional, and mental challenges. I’ve tried to stay connected with God, but sometimes the day-to-day responsibilities gobble up time. I thought I could do it all until November when an abscessed molar, emergency oral surgery and antibiotics sent me into a tailspin. I have never been that sick before, so sick that after some weeks, I wondered if I would pull out of it. Our daughter sensed something more than flu was going on, hopped on an airplane and came up. I have no doubt if she hadn’t, I would probably have stayed on the couch, continued to NOT eat or drink, and quietly “retired”.
I don’t like asking for help. Mournful violins play raucous “melodies” in my head when I can’t do everything I want or feel I need to do. I’m all about control, you see. Managing everything. Or trying. And failing, of course. And then becoming frustrated and annoyed and feeling like I’ve failed yet again by not being able to do it all. And that’s how I was feeling as I felt half-comatose on the couch, asking God what was going to happen to Rick if I died. Yes, I did feel that could happen.
Sometimes God must knock us flat to make us listen and learn. I am not in control. He is. And even when I don’t have a clue what He’s doing with our circumstances, I need to trust Him. It took a few weeks to receive the lesson. Whether I’m healthy or sick, I can trust You, Lord. You love Rick more than I do and I know You will make sure he has all he needs.
At that point, I was ready to close my eyes, shed this mortal flesh and go to Heaven. No such luck. God still has things for me to do before He calls me home.
A mighty storm buffeted me, and while I played my sad tune, God was working on me. Tired of yourself yet? Then let go. Be still and rest. I’ve got you, and I’ve got Rick, too.
Stradivarius once said he used the side of a spruce or maple tree that faced the winter storms because that wood made the best music. I can only hope the next time a storm comes, the tune I play on my violin will be a melody of praise. If not, I trust God to do the work in me to make it happen.